Batman in 60 seconds
by Sadistic Fangirl
Summary: It's a parody. With dark humor. I basically poke fun at characters or things that are WTF? Rated T for language. Please read and review. This fic might also explain a few things. 'like why Tim is so emo'


I did this to make fun of Tim Drake, Dick Grayson, and pretty much everybody. It's a parody. With dark humor. :D Here it goes. (Tim, you're first, hee hee)

WARNINGS: Spoilers, some OCCness, and... other stuff.

Another warning: Wanna get something straight.. all these people that died.. really DID die. And that way too. Read comic.

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Jason and Dick are sitting across each other playing cards on a table.

Dick: BS.

Jason: Don't you mean bullshit?

Dick: Shh Jason! We are NOT to have that kind of language in the Mansion of the bats.

Jason: Why the fuck not?

Dick: (glares)

Jason: Fine. And no, I'm telling the truth.

Dick: Let me see that! (flips card) Damn.

Jason: Language, Dick.

Dick: Damn is a swear word, not necessarily a bad word.

Jason: (glares)

Dick: Fine.

Batman suddenly bursts in.

Batman: Where's Tim?!

(Tim spontaneously pops out of nowhere)

Tim: Right here.

All: (stares)

Batman: Obeah Man has captured Tim's parents!

Jason: Who the hell is Obeah man?

Dick: (shrugs) I dunno. Some kinda voodoo guy.

Tim: Oh no!

Batman: Don't worry. I'll go save them and bring them back safely. You can count on me!

[the next day]

Tim: Did you rescue my parents?

Batman: Um... well. Your mother got horrifically poisoned and died a quick peaceful death... 5 agonizing hours later.

Tim: (on the verge of tears)

Batman: Your dad is alive though.

Tim: (brightens up) Really?

Batman: Yeah. He just won't be able to see, hear, or talk to you... pretty much not be able to do anything. But he's alive!

Tim: (quivers)

Batman: Don't worry, they said there was a very _slight_ chance he might wake up.

Dick: Bruce.. just.. stop.. talking.

Batman: Yeah...

[LATER]

Batman: And that's why I don't have to worry when I visit the desert.

Dick: So your suit has a very advanced cooling system? (The Resurrection of Rauls Al Ghual Issue reference)

Batman: Yep.

Dick: Wow. That's pretty neat. So your suit is bullet-proof too, right?

Batman: Um...

Dick: Well, duh. Of course it is. If you took your time to put luxurious things like that, you would have added the most basic protection.

Batman: Uh... well-

Dick: I mean, even Tim has lightweight diamond-impregnated nylon imprinted on his suit to protect him from bullets. (and apparently chainsaws, as one was used on him an issue and it broke)

Batman: ..... Did I mention mine has a built-in AC? In case it gets hot?

Dick: What if it gets cold? Does it have a heater?

Batman: .......

Tim: (bursts in) Hey! Guess what?! My dad woke up and isn't able to walk but he's going to take therapy to get better and he said he's going to pay more attention to me because his near-death experience made him realize that we should stick together as a family!

Dick: So, your dad was always pretty much an asshole until he almost died and now that he's confined to a wheelchair, he decides it's convenient to pay attention to your needs?

Tim: My dad wasn't an asshole!

Dick: Tim. He sent you away to a boarding school until middle school. He didn't even acknowledge how smart you really are. And when you would bring home really suspicious looking things from criminals for research, you told him it was for a school project and he didn't so much as blink when he said believed you. I mean, talk about negligence.

Tim: Because he trusted me.

Dick: You brought home a freakin mechanical transportation device made especially for traveling in underground tunnels, and you told him it was for a science project. I don't know about you, but if he didn't find that the least bit suspicious, I'd say it was that he didn't care; not because he _trusted_ you.

Tim runs off crying.

Dick: (runs after him) No, wait! I'm sorry! I was joking! Tim!

Batman: (shakes head)

[LATER]

Tim is sent to Lady Shiva to do training and stuff.

Lady Shiva: I'm going to train you and stuff. But this guy is gonna train you first. (points to Clyde Rawlins)

Clyde Rawlins: Sup.

Lady Shiva: Oh yeah. And we have to go after King Snake because he's gonna release somekinda bubonic plague into the world or something like that.

Clyde Rawlins: (shares a sob story about how King Snake broke into the Rawlins home and killed both of his children while they slept and how he then proceeded to torture and ultimately kill Clyde's wife)

Tim: (sob)

Clyde Rawlins: So I'm going to get back at him for the sake of my family. And I'm going to train you cause I like you, and you remind me of one of my children.

Tim: Yay! Let's be friends!

Clyde Rawlins: Ok!

[LATER]

Lady Shiva: Um... Tim. When we split up like you suggested, your friend Clyde went after King Snake and died killing him.

Tim: Noooo! (brightens up) Well, at least he avenged his family.

Lady Shiva: Actually, King Snake got away. Clyde perished without ever having avenged the deaths of his beloved wife and children.

Tim: (sob)

Lady Shiva: ....... I'm going to stop talking.

[LATER]

Batman is temporarily bed-ridden because of his broken back from Bane.

Tim: Someone should take over for you while you recover.

Batman: That's a good idea, Tim.

Tim: I'll go get Nightwing.

Batman: Nightwing?! Screw that! Go get Jean Paul.

Tim: Uh...ok.

Jean Paul: Sup.

Tim: You're going to be Batman for now and I made you a super-special more powerful version of Batman's suit.

Jean Paul: Ok. That sounds totally reasonable.

Tim: Yep.

[LATER]

Tim: (sobbing) Jean Paul went crazy and started killing criminals and it's all my fault!

Nightwing: It's not your fault Tim.

Tim: But I designed his suit.

Nightwing: Well.. Maybe you should have thought twice before installing machine guns, rocket launchers, and potentially life-threatening devices, but that doesn't mean it's necessarily YOUR fault-

Tim: (sobs harder)

Nightwing: No! I didn't mean that! Don't cry!

[SOME TIME LATER]

Batman: Apparently, Jean Paul went after a criminal named Abattoir and let him die. (turns to Tim) I'm very disappointed in you, Tim. Now a man is dead!

Tim: (sobs)

Nightwing: WTF, Bruce?! [Seriously, wtf?]

Batman: I'm just a little angry at Robin for not doing more to stop Azrael.

Nightwing: The reason Tim didn't do more is cause he couldn't! Jean Paul beat him nearly to death, and sealed the entrance to the cave so that he couldn't get out and I had to save him you ass! Oh and sure, as if Tim really needs another person's death on his conscious after he couldn't-

Tim: So it IS my fault! (runs off)

Batman: Now look who's the ass.

Nightwing: (runs after him) No WAIT! I'M SORRY!

[SOME TIME LATER]

The Oracle: Blue Beetle is coming by my house to say hi.

Tim: (practically orgasming in his chair) The Blue Beetle?! OH MY GOD! HE'S MY HERO!

Blue Beetle: Hi.

Tim: (shakes hands with him) omgomgomgomg...

Blue Beetle: Is he ok?

[THREE DAYS LATER]

Dick: Um, Tim. The Blue Beetle is dead.

Tim: NOOOOOooooooooooooooo! Why?!

[SOME TIME LATER]

Jason: Tim creeps me out.

Dick: (chewing on a sandwich) Why?

Jason: Everyone around him dies. He's a freakin angel of death, man. Anyone he touches dies.

Dick: (puts down his sandwich) Ok. First of all, that's horrible. You're horrible Jason. Second, you're exaggerating.

Jason: Or am I? His classmates are probably next.

Dick: Jason, grow up. None of Tim's classmates are going to die or-

Batman: (bursts in) Where's Tim?

Tim: (pops out of nowhere) Right here.

Batman: I'm going to say this as simply as I could. One of your classmates went to a Ninja Camp to become a ninja and got involved in some robberies. So... he's dead now.

Tim: (VERY quiet)

Dick: He got involved with robberies. So he got killed in a fight?

Batman: Actually, he fell off of a rooftop. (AUTHOR'S NOTE: You think I'm joking?)

Dick: Don't take it hard on yourself, Tim. Honestly, who would have seen this coming?

Jason: Aren't ninjas supposed to be good at jumping off of rooftops? (gets hit by Dick) Ow!

[SOME TIME LATER]

Jason: See, I told you. Angel of death.

Dick: Ok, that was a very random unforeseen event, so that didn't count.

Jason: Let's wait and see who's next.

Dick: Jason, stop being an insensitive bastard. No one is going to-

Batman: (bursts in) Where's Tim?

Jason: Gee. I wonder what you need Tim for. (gets smacked by Dick) Ow.

Dick: Shut up, Jason. And Tim is just getting back from school. Oh, here he comes.

Tim: What's up?

Batman: Tim... do you know who Karl Ranck is?

Tim: Of course I do. He's a classmate and a very good friend of mine. Though lately, he's a bit mad at me because his dad gave him a gun for protection and I felt a bit uncomfortable about it, being his friend and all. So I told my dad, and he decided to have a talk with Karl's dad; and then his gun was taken away from him. So he got a bit angry, but I think I made the right choice, as long as my friend doesn't get hurt. (beams)

Batman: Um... Well it runs out he got real upset, so he ended up stealing one of his father's guns, and he died at a shootout at your school.

Tim: .... wh-what?

Batman: Ok! Now who wants tea? Alfred, could you make us tea?

[SOME TIME LATER]

Tim is walking next to a lake.

Random hood: GIVE ME ALL YA MONEY FOO!

Tim: Wait, you don't have to do this. (gives moving speech)

Random hood: You're right. I'm sorry.

Tim: Really?

Random hood: No! Now, DIE SUCKA! Whoa! (falls into lake) HEEELP! HELP ME! I DON'T WANNA DIE!

Tim jumps in but is unable to save the random hood who had just tried to kill him, from drowning.

Tim: Shit.

[LATER]

Feeling depressed, Robin had Nightwing drop him off in France, saying that lately he'd been feeling lost and decided he needed to step back for a while. He thought Paris was the right place to start, since his training had never really ended there. He was trained further by Iron Master.

Tim: Well, guess I'll be going now. Thank you Iron Master, for helping me out during this trying time. (bows)

Tim leaves.

Iron Master: Urk! (gets killed by Lady Shiva)

[SOME TIME LATER]

Batman: Hey, Tim. There you are. I just wanna-

Tim: Just say it.

Batman: A friend of yours was found dead in the woods and two bullies were suspected of killing him.

Tim: Hey, I know those two. And I think they're innocent. I'm going to prove it!

[LATER THAT DAY]

Batman: Were they innocent?

Tim: No. I found evidence of their guilt and I had to turn them in.

Dick: Don't worry. It's not like it's gonna get worse later on.

Jason: (starts laughing)

Dick: Why are you laughing?

Jason: (stops laughing) I... don't know. I had a sudden urge to laugh. As if I found your words funny.

All: (stares)

Jason: Don't worry. I'm sure it was nothing.

[SOME TIME LATER]

Tim is hanging out with the group Young Justice that he the leader of .

Tim: So basically, no food; and YES that includes pizza; in the computer labs. That concludes our meeting.

EVERYONE: (stares at him with hate)

Tim: What?

EVERYONE: (still seething with hate)

Tim: O..k... Fine, you can eat there.

Wonder Girl: Um, Tim. We don't trust you any longer.

Tim: DEAR GOD, FINE! YOU CAN EAT THERE WITH WHATEVER YOU WANT!

Wonder Girl: No, not that. The Justice League found out that Batman has kept contingency plans on them, and we're beginning to wonder if you might also have plans to defeat or even kill us.

Tim: Of course not. You can trust me. Cause we're friends, right?

All: (silent)

Tim: Right?

All: (silent)

Tim: Come on, Superboy. Even you?

Superboy: Silent.

Tim: ........ screw you guys. (walks off)

[SOME TIME LATER]

Batman: Tim your team needs you.

Tim: Well they don't trust me anymore because of you so, too bad.

Batman: (shrugs) Well, following the death of Donna Troy, they disbanded anyway, so you can always join The Justice Le-

Tim: What?! My friend Wonder Girl is dead?!

Batman: Opps. Um... ALFRED, TEA!

[SOME TIME LATER]

Tim goes to the future to meet his future self.

Batman Tim: Hello.

Tim: I'm Batman?

Batman Tim: (shrugs) I guess.

Tim: Wow, I must be such an ideal civilized hero!

Batman Tim: Well, if you call gathering the Titans together and managing to convince them to hunt down criminals in their houses, and kill them and their families civilized... then yeah.

Tim: A-are you serious?

Batman Tim: Totally.

Tim: ..... I AM creepy. (backs away)

[SOMETIME LATER]

Batman: Hey. Your girlfriend Stephanie Brown accidentally unleashed a gang war at your school somehow, hurting and possibly killing many of your classmates and teachers that you know and love.

Tim: .....

Batman: Oh and, she's dead. Yeah.

Tim: WHY GOD? WHY?

GOD: (writes something down on a notepad) GOD: 17. TIM: 0. Heh, heh.

[SOMETIME LATER]

Jason is playing cards with Dick.

Jason: Bullshit.

Dick: Language. And we're not even playing that, Jason. It's Goldfish.

Jason: (glances at cards) Oh. Is that what we were playing?

Dick: (nods)

Jason: I'm surprised you haven't died.

Dick: Huh?

Jason: You know, seeing that you two are close and that anyone considered Tim's friend, dies and all.

Dick: Of course I wouldn't die.

Jason: ACTUALLY, wait..wait hold on... (reads from online) _'Originally, the editors at DC intended to have Grayson killed in __Infinite Crisis_ as Newsarama revealed from the DC Panel at WizardWorld Philiadelphia.'

Dick: WHAT?!

Jason: ___'It was again explained that Nightwing was originally intended to die in_ Infinite Crisis, _and that you can see the arc that was supposed to end with his death in the series. After long discussions, and a very close-knitted vote, the death edict was finally reversed.' _ (looks at Dick) Wow. You could have ended up just like me, though I doubt they would have brought you back.

Dick: Ok. First of all, you're not supposed to 'break the forth wall'.

Jason: Too bad, I just did.

Tim: (walks in) What's up.

Both: (jump up)

Jason: Um.. nothing. Just playing cards.

Tim: Can I play?

Dick: Uh, no. We have to... clean my fridge. It's REALLY dirty...

Both: (back away very slowly)

Tim: Oh. Ok. Well, do you wanna-

Both: (runs away)

[SOME TIME YET LATER..... AGAIN]

Dick: Um.. Tim.

Tim: (Typing) Who is it this time?

Dick: Well... your best friend, Superboy.

Tim: (sighs)

Dick: Well?

Tim: Don't worry. I'll just clone him.

Dick: Ha.. HAHAHAHAHAHA.. HA! Heh... good one.

Tim: (serious)

Dick: I'm gonna go get you 'help'....

[AND FINALLY]

Tim: Where's Batman?

Dick: He... went on a vacation.

Tim: Ok, I'll go look for him.

Alfred: Master Dick!

Dick: Ok, fine. He's dead Tim. I'm sorry.

Tim: Ha, You're funny. I'm just gonna go find wherever he's hiding. Funny joke guys.

Dick: Seriously, Tim. He's dead. Gone.

Jason: Pushing Daisies, six feet under, sleeping with the fishes, in a 'better' place.

Tim: I'm gonna go all over the world to find him. (leaves)

Dick: I think he finally snapped.

Jason: Nope. I think he snapped a looong time ago.

Dick: (sigh) I'm going to go call that institution.

[AT DC COMICS COMMUNITY]

Writer #1: Do you think we went a little too far?

Writer #2: Nonsense!

Writer #1: ..........

Writer #2: Ok, maybe a little. Don't worry, fangirls LOVE angst. They'll eat this up.

Writer #1: .... Wow, we are messed up.

THE END (so far)

-,.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Heh. And we wonder why Tim is so emo. Anyway, more to come. Dick is next. (about how cheesy he is) REVIEW!!!


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